Confidence Comes Before Competence

How Watching Our Daughter Ski Reminded Me Why Mindset Matters

There’s something quietly revealing about watching someone learn. Not the polished version, not the confident descent once everything clicks, but the early attempts - the hesitation at the top of the slope, the nervous “I can’t do this” before the first turn

Recently, I found myself reflecting on mindset while watching our daughter grow in confidence on skis. Both my husband and I have long histories with skiing - we trained and instructed in it - so you might assume progress would feel straightforward. It wasn’t. And that, for me, was the lesson

Skill in the environment around a child doesn’t remove the internal work they must do themselves. The mountain still has to be met. Fear still has to be regulated. Belief still has to be built

What struck me most this time wasn’t speed or technical precision. It was awareness. Where there used to be hesitation on icy patches, there was now assessment. Instead of freezing or complaining, there was scanning — eyes lifting, weight shifting, a deliberate decision to turn onto softer snow. Previously there would have been “I can’t do this” or “I don’t like it.” This time there was movement. Not reckless movement, but informed movement. She was reading the terrain and adapting to it

That shift didn’t come from suddenly becoming more talented. It came from confidence

We often assume competence builds confidence. In reality, it frequently works the other way around. When someone believes they might be able to do something - even imperfectly - their body organises differently. Posture steadies. Muscles soften instead of lock. Breathing regulates. Fear narrows attention; belief expands it

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there” isn’t motivational fluff. It’s neurology. Reduced threat perception allows better coordination. Better coordination builds competence. Competence reinforces confidence. It becomes a loop

Falling, of course, was part of the process. On snow it always is. But what changed this time was the response. A fall no longer meant frustration or defeat. There might be snow in goggles, a quick laugh, then a reset. “I leaned back.” “I didn’t turn soon enough.” That language matters. It shifts the narrative from identity - “I can't do it” - to adjustment - “What can I do?”

It’s not how many times you fall down. It’s how you stand up - with defeat or with curiosity?

Every experience carries information. Mistakes aren’t verdicts; they’re feedback. Failure is not the opposite of success. It’s the terrain you cross to reach it

What also became clearer to me is how much mindset is shaped through communication. Learning anything well requires constructive feedback that is specific enough to guide improvement without crushing confidence. Not just “Well done,” and not criticism without direction, but something more precise: that turn was strong; your weight was centred there; you rushed the turn on the ice - what could you adjust next time?

Feedback tells the brain what worked. Reflection tells it what to refine. Growth happens in that space

This time, belief expanded the terrain available to her. Previously red runs felt tentative. Now icy sections were navigated without panic, softer snow became an ally, and off-piste felt possible. The mountain hadn’t changed. The internal narrative had

Practise makes progress. Not perfection - progress

Having parents who understand the technical side of skiing doesn’t shortcut mindset. Belief cannot be inherited. It has to be built through experience, through falls, through repetition, through the steady message that mistakes are opportunities to learn rather than evidence of inadequacy

You won’t get it right the first time. Or the second. If early imperfection determined outcome, none of us would ever ride a bike, launch a business, or recover from illness. The only guaranteed way to stagnate is to stop

Confidence doesn’t eliminate difficulty. It changes how we meet it

This is true on snow. It’s true in business. It’s true in health and recovery. Practise makes progress. Every fall carries information. Constructive feedback accelerates learning. And belief changes physiology long before performance changes outcomes

Growth is built in the repetition