How to recognise grief in times of crisis

Are you experiencing feelings of anger or rage, or perhaps unexpected feelings of depression, even guilt around the position that you're in at the moment? Whereas, before the crisis, that wasn't the case?

It could be that you are experiencing signs of grief.

We typically refer to grief as our response to losing somebody or something, such as a loved one, family member, friend or beloved pet which triggers grief.

Yet grief can be so much more than that. I think that in this crisis the increased rates of anxiety, increased rates of depression and also increases we are seeing in terms of people's anger and their responses to any constraints that are imposed as part of this crisis, could all really be tied into us experiencing the different stages of grief.

Why is that?

Because as a result of the crisis we're in now, we've lost our sense of freedom in the first instance. We've lost our sense of security. Some people may have lost their emotional connection they had to the job that they loved, the environment that they're working in that they loved.

The strong emotional bond that we have to what brings us joy has been taken away for many people. Other people have lost dear loved ones and friends as a result of the virus. People have lost their livelihoods. Others have lost their ability to go outside and really connect with the world.

So how can we really check in with ourselves and find out what is it that we are experiencing and could = really be attributed to experiencing grief?

The Five Pillars of Brain Health™️

The five pillars of brain health™️ is a simple, yet powerful framework to use to ask yourself, what have I lost in terms of the current situation that I'm in? Have I lost anything and is that really causing me to feel the way that I'm feeling?

The Five Pillars of Brain Health are remembered by the mnemonic FACTS™️. 

Pillar 1 – F is for Feelings

F is for feelings. How have your feelings changed since the crisis started? How did you used to feel? What emotions did you used to have? What were they attached to and how are you feeling now?

Perhaps before the crisis, you may have felt super happy because of the job you were in. You may have felt elated because of the ability to go outside and that's now all been taken away from you.

You've lost something associated with that real strong emotional connection. We know that emotions drive everything about us from a human perspective. Try to get connected with what it is you've lost emotionally, first look at what emotions have changed as a result of the crisis.

Pillar 2 – A is for Actions

The second pillar is our Actions. What's changed from an actions perspective - what you do, what habits you've had, how you work, what work you do, what exercise you do, how you eat and drink?

What has changed in that concept and also your connection with other people, activities that used to do to connect with people? How has that shifted? What have you lost from an actions perspective? Think about all of the things that you may have lost with regards to the things that you used to do.

Pillar 3 – C is for Connections

The third pillar is Connections.  These are the connections not only to others, but also to yourself - our core values, your purpose, and beliefs.

This is particularly important. If you've lost your job, for example, that can have a huge impact on how you feel connected to your core values because you may feel as if you don't have the purpose that you previously had and you need to figure out a way to reframe that purpose or find a new purpose that will really drive you forward.

Where has the loss occurred with regards to connections to others and also connection to yourself?

Pillar 4 – T is for Thoughts

The fourth pillar is your Thoughts. What's changed? What have you lost from a thought perspective? A lot of people have lost the ability to think clearly, particularly those who are working super hard, who are super busy and have had everything crammed into the day and in a single space with kids running around like crazy, trying to pack in a work day, as well as being a childminder.

They may have lost that sense of space in their mind to really think clearly, that connection to their freedom to think without distraction, to the thoughts that really mattered to them. Having that freedom to think clearly about what's most important to them in life and that has a huge impact on some people.

Pillar 5 – S is for Surroundings and how you Sense them

Then finally, the fifth part of our five pillars of brain health is your connection to your surroundings. How you see and perceive your surroundings and really how you sense them and connect to your surroundings using your five senses.

How you smell, how you hear, how you see, how you taste and how you touch. Have any of your senses been affected as a consequence of this crisis?

We know people who have indeed caught the virus have lost that sense of connection to smell and to taste. That's a really significant loss because that really drives how we emotionally connect with food, how we emotionally connect with the world around us.

That can have a huge impact on us from an emotional standpoint and could be considered as really grieving the loss associated with that sense of smell or a sense of taste.

Determining what you’ve lost

What is it that you feel that you have lost?

If you think about the changes in surroundings for people who were able to socialise and go out and connect with other people, they've lost that opportunity to explore their surroundings in the way that they felt comfortable with.

Ultimately, this all boils down to our sense of connection to the world around us. How has that really changed for you?

This all affects our emotional charge associated with the changes that have taken place as a result of a loss of freedom, a loss of emotional attachment, a loss of activity that we used to do, a loss of connection with ourselves, our core values and beliefs or connection with others. Emotional charge associated with the changes that have taken place due to a loss of our ability to think clearly, to have that capacity in our mind - to have those appropriate thoughts that really move us forward, and the loss of our connection with our surroundings and how we sense them.

The Five Stages of Grief

Grief is typically recognised by five stages. Having lost my dad back in September, 2019 I'm very familiar with grief and how it can really overwhelm you. Those five stages don't have to happen in certain order - they can happen all in one day.

Stage 1 – Denial and isolation

Those five stages are denial and isolation, which we do see in the media. You can see a lot of people who are in denial about the situation actually taking place or feeling super isolated about the current crisis. Feeling completely disconnected with what's going on or disconnected from the world.

Stage 2 – Anger

The next stage is anger. We've seen around the world, anger associated with that loss of freedom, that anger associated with decisions that have had to be made by governments in order to help contain the spread. Anger associated with other people not complying by the rules. There's a whole heap of anger associated with that.

Stage 3 – Bargaining

Then we also have bargaining. People trying to bargain over the situation, trying to see how they can create a win-win situation.

Stage 4 - Depression

The fourth is depression and we've seen that depression is really on the rise at the moment. That's completely understandable given the fact that we've lost so much over the last six months as a consequence of this virus.

Stage 5 – Acceptance

Then fifth stage is acceptance. Some people have been able to move into the acceptance phase, to accept the new norm and just to move on, whereas others, it's not there yet.

That's okay because we all go through this cycle of grief at different paces depending on how we've connected with it in the first place, how we've been affected by it, and any previous trauma or emotional connections we've had associated with loss.

We all respond to grief differently. We all go through the cycle of grief very differently.

What can help with grief

What I found myself has been super helpful in terms of getting through grief, having lost my father, is Havening Techniques with a Certified Practitioner, that I am now myself. Havening has really helped calm me down and bring me some perspective.

I've also helped my mum with her grief during these difficult times of isolation.

Self-Havening can also help really calm down day-to-day anxiety and struggles that arise as a result of this situation.

If you are really struggling with your emotions at this time, perhaps it could be that you're grieving as a consequence of the situation that we're now in due to the losses that you've really experienced.

Client Testimonial (Paula Woodward, my mum):

"I was struggling with the emotional pain and grief associated with my husband’s death (Ruth’s father). Havening coaching has made me feel much calmer and at ease with myself.

I loved Ruth's calm and gentle manner as she helped me through the issues. I can now think about my husband's death in a more calm and rational way. Ruth made the whole process life enhancing and easy."

How can you find out more?

Visit my blog on What is Havening and how does it work for more details, or my blog about the science behind Havening. If you would like to learn more about how Havening can help you, what conditions is has helped address, along with links to the research papers associated with it you can visit my webpage. 

Do check in with the five pillars of brain health:

1. Feelings - how you're feeling
2. Actions - your actions
3. Connections - to yourself and others
4. Thoughts - that you're having
5. Surroundings - and how you sense them.

Think about what you've lost associated with those five pillars to give you some clues with regards to whether you are in a process of grief and how you can move yourself through it and get through the other side and be in the acceptance phase and thus really be able to move forward and move on with life.

Register for a FREE Unleashed Strategy Call to find out how I can help you.

To learn more about how I could help you with grief, please visit www.ruthmaryallan.com/havening. If you would like support with helping your organisation, please email [email protected].

Dr Ruth Mary Allan is a certified practitioner of Havening Techniques®. Havening Techniques is a registered trade mark of Ronald Ruden, 15 East 91st Street, New York. www.havening.org.